Billionaires and the DNC Are Flinging Shit (Candidates) at America All Because of Someone Cable News Won’t Even Talk About

With today’s entry into the Democratic Presidential Primary of blah-blah-blah something something Deval Patrick, the last week has now officially devolved into a full-on reality show about billionaires and their cronies desperately trying to put out the fire raging in their gin-and-Beluga-caviar-soaked disco party here in the good ol’ US of A.

To recap, it’s been less than a week since Wall Street whore Michael Bloomberg pompously announced that – despite four debates having already taken place – he felt compelled to enter into the race himself. Given that I just saw a trademarked coffee mug for sale from the Warren campaign that reads “Billionaire Tears,” Bloomberg’s entry into the race should be about as surprising as the stench of feces permeating a hog farm lagoon.

Bloomberg’s entry into the race should be about as surprising as the stench of feces permeating a hog farm lagoon.

Next, of course, the queen of denial herself, Hillary Clinton, told the BBC that she is “under enormous pressure from many, many, many people to think about [running for president].” Predictably, just uttering these fateful words tilted the world on its axis, and Hillary curtsied demurely before continuing to talk about how great she is.

Finally, De…. Wait, no. Then TODAY, Deval Patrick announces his utterly motiveless intention to enter the race. Shaun King summed up the former Massachusetts governor’s announcement video this way: “He literally says 180 seconds of nothing here. He offers no ideas. No plans. Nothing concrete or substantive. Just that he’s nice and that his nice-ness will help heal America.” Please pass the antibacterial ointment, Mr. Patrick.

Let’s roll the names of the candidates who have participated in this race:

Elizabeth Warren

Amy Klobuchar

Kamala Harris

Cory Booker

Pete Buttigieg

Julián Castro

Andrew Yang

Tulsi Gabbard

Tom Steyer

Joe Biden (I literally almost forgot he was in this)

John Delaney

Michael Bennet

Steve Bullock

Wayne something

Joe Sleestak

Marianne Williamson

Beto O’Rourke

That’s it, right? I mean, I consulted MSNBC and CNN.

So after four debates, shit TONS of money having been raised by these candidates from the “donor class” (read: fuckers you’d gladly strand on a desert island in a hog lagoon), and soundbite tsunamis roiling our everyday struggle with poverty, sanity and hunger, we’re now expected to dodge two new actual candidates and a ghost-of-failures past candidate who literally said Tulsi Gabbard is being groomed by the Russian government as a third-party spoiler candidate.

Yes, I said “dodge.” Because we are standing outside the gilded monkey cages and the billionaires and the DNC are flinging shit at us rapid-fire.

Thankfully the powers that be only trot out the big gun mind-fuckery like this every two or three years.

I know I’m forgetting something but it’s eluding me… Gettin’ old, I guess.

So, yeah, we haven’t seen shit-flinging like this during a presidential primary election since way back in 2016. Thankfully the powers that be (read: obsessive compulsive liars, cheaters, stealers whom you’d gladly allow to swim on a full stomach in a hog lagoon) only trot out the big gun mind-fuckery like this every two or three years. Following this current trend, I get the feeling none of us will be able to decipher who the actual President is even after the election next year. This is ideal if you’re actually ruling the world from your penthouse spaceship apartment hovering above Wall Street, ordering Door Dash from whatever restaurant is currently serving all of its food marinated in human tears and crusted with gold leaf. I mean, if that’s you, you’re the real President, right? Just gotta keep the monkeys dancing for the public so no one asks too many questions.

So do your Googling of good ol’ Deval, try to remember who is actually still in the race and which candidate is tanking deeper than the Titanic full of hog waste (that would be Kamala Harris, I bet). Once you’ve done that, the rulers in the clouds will shuffle the deck once more until you have no idea what’s really going on except that you have to vote (or not, they really don’t care) sometime next fall. I think in November, but the way these things go, it’s about as predictable as a street hustler’s shell game.

Watch the ball, watch the ball, is it here, is it there or is it here? This is for the betterment of our country, so pay close attention.

Oh, wait.

Bernie Sanders!!!

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